There is so much opportunity in this world for support.
The question you may be facing right now is where to start? You think about who can be there to help you hold space to share your story. You are hoping to feel better and to heal.
Taking the first step with a therapist, a family member, a significant other, a friend, or maybe even a coworker can bring up many feelings such as excitement and anxiousness. You are building up the courage to be bold because on the inside there are fears, tears, torments & chaos. You finally decide to self disclose and uncover a part of you that you may not want to talk about, because, let’s face it… it is hard to talk about our mental well-being. When you finally sit face to face with the person and begin share your inner conflicts, you become hopeful to have some form of relief. Sometimes it goes very well, and other times, it may not bring the relief you needed.
Your support of choice may say a variety of things:
“Aw, I hope you feel better.”
“You are strong and you will get through this.”
“You have x, y, and z so you should be fine.”
“I’ll pray for you.”
“Just pray and you will be okay.”
“It’s not a big deal, it could be worse.
“I am here for you if you need me just call.”
*Ignores your message and redirects the conversation.*
*Holds the silence with you* “What does it mean for you?”
“How can I hold you in this pace and support you?”
“Is that all?!”
We all mean well, but sometimes the people we choose will fail our hearts. Perhaps we put too much pressure on them. Maybe they are nervous and want to fix it for you. Maybe they are facing the same thing, and are afraid to share the same fears. They run away and avoid that reflecting mirror you are holding. So many reasons, but whatever the case may be you still feel unsatisfied. The trap of the enemy ensnares you when this happens. The most critical part of your mind says, “My voice did not matter after sharing. Look at how quickly my messages was swept under the rug.” This could have been a therapist (we aren’t perfect), this could have been a mother, a sister, a brother, a friend, or even a lover that has failed to give you what you were trying to seek:
SUPPORT & EMPATHY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.
Now you find yourself sitting alone in your room. You reflect on what just happened. Your mind begins to play tricks on you.
“Well, (insert person’s name) totally thinks I am crazy. I mean did you see the look on their face!?”
“Am I am overreacting?”
“What was the point to share myself?
“I held this in for so long.”
“I am tired of the silent suffering.”
Research says therapy is helpful and reaching out for support is a good thing. But why does reaching out feel like it was a bad thing once we try? Why do we feel lost and unsatisfied?
For one thing, we forget we are responsible for our feelings, and we cannot have someone cope with our pain and take it away from us. They can only listen and help in the way you tell them to. Another thing is that you should be very proud of yourself and show yourself more compassion. Because you know what? You did all that you can do with that pain inside of you and you were able to give some of it out of your body. Just because it was not the outcome you may have wanted, you made a direction towards healing.
Never minimize your efforts. Examine and acknowledge the pain of it hurting when you finally give part of your pain away. When someone shuts down and is not able to respond with empathy or care according to what you needed or how you see it, it is still hurtful. That hurt feels very lonely. The focus on the other person places you to going back to square one:
Suffering in Silence
We find many ways to suffer in silence. We hide in it, and sometimes it is comfortable.
Here are 3 ways silence operates in your life:
- Suppression: You are not happy with the way life is going. On the outside you look fine, but on the inside there is a lot going on. You want to feel loved and feel supported. By the time you let it out, and the listener fails to reassure you, you go deeper into negative thinking. This is when the silence has a sound and it is attacking yourself with mental messages of “It does not matter. I do not matter. So what is the point? No one cares to help me.” Now more weight is holding you down and you may begin to feel less motivated to seek help. Suppressing the silence will make your stories die.
- “I am Strong” Persona: You hide behind your “I am strong” superhero cape. Because isn’t it true? You are strong, and you are fully able to get through it? Perhaps with time, but let’s challenge this with a question. How long can you carry more of your own burdens as you live your every day life? Playing the life of fantasy and becoming a superhero can only last so long. Even Superman had a weakness. When the kryptonite is revealed and exposed, Clark Kent could no longer function to his full capacity. He could not help others and he could not help himself.
- Rationalization: According to how life is externally, you should not be feeling this way… right? This is where your mind could say, “It could be worse, at least you are not homeless,” or “There will always be someone worse off than me.” Thinking logically and overanalyzing does not always produce positive results. These form of statements can force your mind and body to numb your feelings. Numbing is not healthy. Denying your feelings can be harmful in the long run. We have feelings because it brings signals to our body and our mind. It is our metal detector. It helps to detect when something is harmful or confusing.
Now, you may be wondering how to end the silence once and for all. It will take continual effort on your part.
Lets look at 3 ways to break the silence.
Stay open to the possibility that you will be seen and be heard.
LaTianna, Drama Therapist & Change Artist
1) Do not give up.
Keep seeking until you can find the right therapist that is clinically sound and empathic. The same applies to other relationships. Tell them what you need and be truthful when they are not being supportive. Sometimes others do not know how to handle what you tell them.
2) Get into movement.
You are sensing in your body that something is not right. The more you are unable to figure it out in your mind, it is important to get that energy out of you by trying a creative activity.
You can journal, paint, create a monologue, dance, make a collage of feelings, run, exercise, sing, complete yoga. As long as you are in movement, the energy you are holding onto can be released for temporary relief.
3) Attend community events & groups.
It is possible to find group support. Some groups are anonymous (for example co-dependent anonymous{Al-Anon}, AA, etc.). Community mental health agencies can provide opportunities to use your voice. If you want a creative community, try out open mic nights or groups that like to get together and use music and poetry.
Consistently attending a group once or twice a week is better than keeping silent. You can also ask your healthcare provider to see if they have any leads. You can also join one of my meet ups.
The core of suffering in silence is that voice of SELF-ACCUSATION and the STIGMA that is found in sharing your mental health needs.
LaTianna, Drama Therapist & Change Artist
I am here to tell you that there is hope, even if you do not feel hopeful. There is community, even if you have not found the right one yet. It may take time to build in the same place. It may take another place. Do not give up. Listen to your intuition. I I hear you and this is why I write this to you. Please share your story and use your voice.
Here are some resources you can try.
You can also book your free 15 minute consult with me here
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